shed the facade.

i haven't been very honest on my blog. about my feelings. i haven't been talking much about my personal life at its barest. who am i kidding? that i am happy and cheerful all the time when admist the routine, i find myself feeling a bit lost.

i doubt i have been very honest about what i want. and i am kidding myself as well. i haven't been honest firstly to myself about how i feel, what i want, nor am i honest to the people around me. even the closest of friends don't know how i feel exactly.

3 months ago, that was the start of ups and downs. my family saw me hiding my feelings to them, me crying to sleep. for a while at least. i kept telling myself that things will get better after a while, that as long as i hold on to the faith, things will turn out fine.

in these 3 months, i've realised a bit of things. that not everyone has the same understanding of love. that people may spend years looking for that particular love that they thought they will have, without knowing how to appreciate the people closest to them. and i've also realised that whatever i'm doing, whatever i've thought about, was able to influence him and make him carry it out.

and after all the entanglement, we struggle to detangle ourselves from each other. since staying as close friends is hard, i started to ignore him. and then i told him that many of our friends aren't exactly agreeing with what he's doing. and usual, such comments will make him feel indignant. so we are as it is now. some time apart. something which i feel will affect me a lot more than him. but that's just me being over-emotional.

so many things i can say to tell him that what he's doing isn't the only way to make things work. that whatever he says doesn't make any sense at all. that maybe us being ignorant to each other will make things better for his thoughts in the long run. and for mine too.

i keep asking myself why is it so hard for me to stop thinking about this matter. things never used to be so difficult, making me close to tears each time something happens to tip the balance i struggle to keep. an emotional doctor-to-be? probably not a good thing too. maybe it's cos i'm overseas, or maybe because i'm just being stubborn. i have refused to think that this is love. because loving shouldn't be like this. things shouldn't fluctuate as they are. how can one be treated like a treasure one day and be thrown aside the other? how can one shower love one day and ignore the same person the next day?

the holidays were spent keeping the distance. but it didn't help did it? you said that you wanted me to give up hence all the things you did. but yet did you realise that your actions weren't all giving the same message? that if you looked into your conscience and your deepest thoughts, that you know this shouldn't happen.

and i realised... what kind of r/s i want to be in.

aim: to be indifferent.

things to do: finish cooking my cheng tng! :) whee.